Say what you mean and mean what you say

Words act like neurotransmitters that send messages to your body that generate feelings. Your words play a critical role in determining your moods, health and happiness and that of the people you speak with. Here’s how to get a better grip on language.

The following piece, adapted from ‘You Are What You Say’ by Matthew Budd and Larry Rothstein explores the excellent work of Fernando Flores on language and affect

You are in language already all of the time. But you are not skillful at observing it because you have no powerful distinctions for doing so. With skill at observation comes more success in life and less suffering. According to Flores, there are only five kinds of linguistic “actions”:

REQUESTS: A request is an action that you take when you seek the assistance of another in satisfying an underlying concern that you have. For example, “Please pick up some rice and broccoli at the market for dinner tonight.”

PROMISES: A promise is what you speak to indicate your commitment to fulfilling what someone else has requested. (“I will get the flounder and broccoli.”) It implies that you understand the request fully and that you are competent and sincere about fulfilling the request.

DECLARATIONS: A declaration is an utterance in which some¬one with the authority to do so brings something into being that wasn’t there before. Personal declarations such as “I will lose 30 pounds by July 1st” have the power to shape our lives, if followed by consistent behavior.

ASSESSMENTS: An assessment is a judgment that you make about the world in the interest of taking some action. For example, in the interest of going to a ball game, I might make the assessment, “It’s a beautiful day,” in which no wind and a temperature of 8o degrees are my standards. On the other hand, in the interest of going sailing, my assess¬ment, “It’s a beautiful day” means that the wind is blowing, the harder the better. Assessments are never the truth.

ASSERTIONS: An assertion is a statement you make for which you are willing to provide evidence. For example, if I say it is 68 degrees in this room, I’m willing to show this to you on a thermometer. We live by the social agreement that this device reflects temperature. In other words, a society builds certain ways of establishing and asserting common, often quantitative values. These assertions live for us as “facts”: They are either true or false.

LANGUAGE ALLOWS PEOPLE TO BECOME AWARE OF THEMSELVES AND OTHERS AND BUILDS TRUST, INTIMACY AND, YES, SUFFERING. WE CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE LIFE WTHOUT IT.

The 10 Linguistic Viruses

Breakdowns in these actions generally result from what I call “linguistic viruses.” They attack relationships, alter the structures of the individuals in them and cause dissatisfac¬tion, bad moods and even ill health. Learning what they are will allow you to listen to others more effectively, and heal them and yourself.

1. NOT MAKING REQUESTS. There may be something that you want or need from someone else, but you don’t make a request. Why is this? You may have a reticence or fear about asking others for something: They could say no and cause you to feel rejected. In fact, a no to a request is just that ¬no to the action of requesting, not a rejection of the person.

Another reason people don’t make requests is that they’re afraid others will think they’re

incompetent. But making a request is not an admission of weakness. The president of the United States or the CEO of a large corporation makes a staggering number of requests each day. In fact, one aspect of power is the capacity to make powerful requests. Still another reason people don’t make requests is that they think a request is an imposition. They forget that one way that people achieve meaning in their lives is in fulfill¬ing the requests of others.

A request simply invites another person to participate in your life. Take this as a way to honor others, not to burden them.

2. LIVING WITH UNCOMMUNICATED EXPECTATIONS.

A common form of “not requesting” occurs when an individual lives in a world of expectations that are really just unex¬pressed requests. Often we have private conversations with ourselves about what others should and should not do. But we never make overt requests of these people. Subsequently, when they don’t do what we expect, we’re disappointed, resentful and angry. The solution is to translate “shoulds” into clear requests. The benefit will be less resentment, less anger, less guilt and more satisfying relationships.

3. MAKING UNCLEAR REQUESTS.

A husband may say to his wife, “I want you to support my career.” Can you see that the husband may have a different picture than the wife of what “support” looks like? What kind of support? When? All of this information is missing. Later on, when a minor prob¬lem arises, the maker of the unclear request is likely to say, “You promised to support my career, but you didn’t!”

To coordinate your life successfully with others, your requests must be precise and detailed. You’re not insulting the listener, you’re setting up the possibility for mutual satis¬faction. It’s not enough that you understand; the person receiving the request must share your understanding.

4. NOT OBSERVING THE MOOD OF YOUR REQUESTS.

The mood of your utterance, as much as your words, affects the listener. If you’re demanding, people might decline your requests because they see you as arrogant and righteous, or they might make promises to you out of intimidation, not choice. My high school algebra teacher always made requests in the tone and mood of demands. Students rarely declined his requests, but acted resentfully when they tried to do what he had asked.

On the other hand, I had a patient named Shirley who made all her requests in the mood of begging. I always felt manipulated by her she was so pathetic that I didn’t want to make her suffer, so I promised what she requested so as not to feel guilty. Weakness and guilt what a combination! A suggestion: Observe the mood produced in the listener of your request; adjust your mood to produce the “listen¬ing” you want.

5. PROMISING EVEN WHEN YOU AREN’T CLEAR WHAT WAS REQUESTED.

Committing yourself when you aren’t clear about what you’ve committed to is foolish. Sometimes a person thinks he knows what’s being asked of him, so he begins an activity, such as making a meal. But as he goes along, his lack of clarity is revealed. He becomes con¬fused. What did she really want? What if I’m doing it wrong? If you’re not sure what the requester wants, clarify it with him or her. You won’t look stupid. Rather, you’ll be building an identity of being commit¬ted to fulfilling his or her request.

6. NOT DECLINING REQUESTS.

Some of us say ‘yes’ to every request. We’ve been trained to please other people, and this is made manifest in our compliance. The problem with this belief is that it’s destructive for both you and others. The yes sayers are often overloaded with promises to keep. The result is a perpetual fear of failure, which prompt¬ed the compliance in the first place.

This vicious cycle generates anxiety, exhaustion and burnout. Things aren’t much better for the people receiving the yes sayers’ promises. They never know which promises will be fulfilled and which ones are in jeopardy. Over time, people become distrustful of the yes sayer. They think, “You just never can be sure about him; he’s not sincere.”

An inability to say no is not a prob¬lem of articulation or diction, but of an embodied tendency to have to say yes, to be “nice” and not to upset others. Learning to say no requires practice for those yes sayers who find it difficult.

7. BREAKING PROMISES WITHOUT TAKING CARE: UNDERMINING TRUST.

I don’t want to make this section sound moralistic, as in “Thou shalt not break promises.” Rather, I want to show the human and biological consequences of a broken commitment to coordinate action. When you make a promise, you’re building expectation that you will take action. If the promise is broken, the person will begin to lose trust in you and feel betrayed.

We are all human and cannot know the future. In the process of fulfilling a promise, things may happen that keep you from completion. If you simply ignore your promise, you’re consciously betraying your word and not taking care of the other party. In contrast, if you contact the requester, describe the present problems that are keeping you from fulfilling your promise, apologize for the broken promise, offer to make a new promise in a time frame that you can guarantee and assist with the cleaning up of any mess that you produced, Both parties feel relieved. The relationship can even be strengthened by this mutually caring action.

8. TREATING ASSESSMENTS AS FACTS. There is no truth to statements of judgment. You can provide evidence for what you say, but that still doesn’t make it the truth. If we treat assessments as truth, conflict arises. For instance, my wife, Roz, and I both love a “nice” home. For me this means a study, lots of bookshelves, a place for my stereo and a quiet bedroom. For Roz, it means colors, textures, lighting, spaces, a sense of grandeur and flow. Can you imagine searching for “nice” home together? We must blend, accept and weave our truths.

People who hold their assessments as the truth are generally rigid or arrogant. They cannot stand diversity and become angry at differences. These people are a pain to be around and are themselves uneasy.

9. MAKING ASSESSMENTS WITHOUT RIGOROUS GROUNDING.

Even though your judgments aren’t the truth, you can make them with rigorous “grounding” – that is, you can say what you say based on evidence. People who make assessments without rigor are viewed as flaky and full of opinions that change like the weather. They aren’t taken seriously and they often suffer from insecurity and low self-esteem. Gossip is an especially pernicious kind of assessment, which lacks rigor and purpose. Gossips get a false sense of power from this activity, but underneath they remain insecure and uneasy. Connect your declarations with doable plans for action for which you are accountable,

10. MAKING FANTASY AFFIRMATIONS AND DECLARATIONS.

When you make a fantasy affirmation or declaration, you assume that it will happen by itself. An example would be declaring that you would like to start a restaurant, even though you don’t know anything about cooking or how to run a business. By contrast, a realistic affirmation or declaration pictures a reality that does not yet exist, but is attainable through a series of reasonable steps.

President Kennedy made a famous declaration in 1962 that America would put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. Although he didn’t like to see it, we did accomplish what seemed like science fiction at the time of his utterance. His declaration was grounded in a rigorous appraisal of our country’s scientific and technological capabilities. Languaging and Well-Being:

The Viruses in Action

The 10 Linguistic Viruses not only create ineffectiveness and friction between people, but also produce negative mood states, which, in turn, threaten your well-being and health. For instance, people who never make requests usually don’t get what they want in life and are often disappointed and stuck. Such people may have secret expectations of others, which they never express. This also leads to disappointment and anger and resentment. Inertia and anger are both negative mood states that produce bodily changes in the muscles, circulation, heart and brain.

People who can’t decline requests also place their health in jeopardy. They are often overburdened and become exhausted, burned out and depressed. If language is the foundation upon which human life is build, on which we construct our human interactions and even our notion of self, then competence in language will bring you more satisfaction, joy and effectiveness in living. My work with thousands of patients bears this out. When people become aware of their behavior in the linguistic domain, they achieve greater effectiveness, greater satisfaction and a better mood.

Matthew Budd designed the first behavioral medicine department at the Harvard Community Health Plan in Boston. Larry Rothstein has collaborated on several self-help books. Adapted from You Are What You Say by Matthew Budd, M.D., and Larry Rothstein, Ed.D. Copyright 2000 by Matthew Budd, M.D., and Larry Rothstein, Ed.D.

Reprinted by permission of Crown, a division of Random House, Inc. Date of publication: December 2000, Volume 17, Issue 9. NEW AGE (ISSN 1098447X) by New Age Publishing, Inc., 42 Pleasant St., Watertown, MA 02472; (617) 926-0200.

© 2011, Sunny Soleil. All rights reserved but relaxed Pierre Soleil We like to pass on the word so YOU are welcome to use this document in accordance with the Creative Commons license. That is, you can tweet, facebook, repost, excerpt and even adapt it so long as you don’t pretend it’s yours for commercial purposes

Amish Friendship Bread that you can pass from friend to friend.

The Bread begins with a starter,which used to be an Amish secret, but is now public knowledge so that we may all share frely.  Find the recipe for the Amish Friendship Bread starter at the end of this post.

When you pass the starter on to a friend, make sure they understand that they will need to follow the instructions beginning at day one then will use the Amish Friendship Bread Recipe (with the oil, eggs, vanilla, etc.) on Day 10.

Amish Friendship Bread is not only a lovely bread, it’s also a way to create a flow of giving and abundance by sharing countless loaves of bread baked in different kitchens that all began from the same bowl of simple ingredients. Choose a few friends and start this wonderful tradition, they’ll thank you for it!

The Amish Friendship Bread recipe

Do not use any metal containers or utensils when making this bread. This is important.

Day 1 – receive the starter (the recipe for the starter is below)

Day 2 – stir

Day 3 – stir

Day 4 – stir

Day 5 – Add 1 cup each flour, sugar and milk.

Day 6 – stir

Day 7 – stir

Day 8 – stir

Day 9 – stir

Day 10 – Add 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Divide into 4 containers, with 1 cup each for three of your friends and 1 cup for your own loaves. Give friends the instructions for Day 1 through Day 10 and the following recipe for baking the bread.  Remember to write on the bag or container the date you made the batter.  e.g. 05/18/10 = day 1

After removing the 3 cups of batter, combine the remaining cup of Amish Friendship Bread starter with the following ingredients in a large bowl:

1 cup oil
3 eggs
1/2 cup of milk
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla essence
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 cup sugar
2 cups flour
1/2 cup of milk

1 1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda

Using a wooden spoon beat by hand until well blended. You can add 1 cup raisins/dried fruit, pumpkin pie spice and 1 cup nuts (optional).  Get creative here.

Grease two loaf pans with butter, sprinkle with sugar instead of flour.

Bake at 325 degrees F for 45 minutes to 1 hour (individual oven temperatures vary). Cool 10 minutes, remove from pans. Makes two loaves of Amish Friendship Bread.

Amish Friendship Bread Starter

This is the Amish Friendship Bread Starter Recipe that you’ll need to make the Amish Friendship Bread (above). It is very important to use plastic or wooden utensils and plastic or glass containers when making this. Do not use metal at all!

Ingredients:

1 pkg. active dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water (110°F)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup white sugar
1 cup warm milk (110°F)

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, dissolve the yeast in warm water for about 10 minutes. Stir well.

2. In a 2 quart glass or plastic container, combine 1 cup sifted flour and 1 cup sugar. Mix thoroughly or the flour will get lumpy when you add the milk.

3. Slowly stir in warm milk and dissolved yeast mixture. Loosely cover the mixture with a lid or plastic wrap. The mixture will get bubbly. Consider this Day 1 of the cycle, or the day you receive the starter.

For the next 10 days handle starter according to the instructions above for Amish Friendship Bread

© 2010, Sunny Soleil. All rights reserved but relaxed Pierre Soleil We like to pass on the word so YOU are welcome to use this document in accordance with the Creative Commons license. That is, you can tweet, facebook, repost, excerpt and even adapt it so long as you don’t pretend it’s yours for commercial purposes

The Enneagram

The Enneagram is probably one of the most accurate and useful tools for understanding human behavior.   In my experience [Sunny's] as a relationship coach, having tested hundreds of people, I find that everyone demonstrates a proclivity for the characteristics of one of the types.  We all access the personality programs of each type from time to time, but there are those that are more predominant.  

Never use this as a mere typing tool because you become judgemental.  The study of the Ennegram, should IMO, be for understanding yourself first, working towards letting go of your patterns and then for understanding others and developing compassion. 

We are all patterned creatures… Patterns are the ego’s defence mechanism.  Early in life we learned how to behave to get the love and approval we crave as humans.    The Enneagram delineates the different kinds of patterns we develop.  None are worse or better. Each has their low level of behavior and their highest potential.   

Find out about our Relationship and Life Purpose Coaching - designed to help you become more of who you truly are – using the Enneagram, NLP, The MythoSelf-tm process and
Strategic Attraction Planning

With thanks to Mario Sikora for the information below.  Check out his site for executive and corporate consulting using the Enneagram.  Awareness into Action

The Nine Types

Type One: Striving to be Perfect

Overview: Ones are usually models of decorum, clear logic and appropriate behavior. They are principled, and focus on rules, procedures and making sure that they are always doing the “right thing.” When they overdo striving to be perfect they can become critical, judgmental and unwilling to take risks. Under stress, Ones may fear that if they have too much fun they will become irresponsible.

What They Like in Others: Competence, high quality, adherence to principles and procedures.

What They Dislike in Others: Emotionality, illogical behavior, rule breaking, irresponsibility.

Communication Style: Deliberate, unemotional and focused on facts. They distrust hype and attempts to “sell” to them. They expect facts to be accurate and available.

Chief Asset: Precision. Ones are precise and methodical in their approach to life. They have an ability to make clear, logical decisions about appropriate action and behavior.

Where They Shine: Setting and following procedures. Ones are great in roles that require consistency of method and logic. 

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Type Two: Striving to be Connected

Overview: Twos are selfless, caring and nurturing. They focus on helping others meet their needs; they build rapport easily and enjoy finding connection with others. When they overdo striving to be connected they may fail to take care of their own needs and end up becoming “needy” and/or emotionally dependent on others. Under stress, Twos may fear that if they are not closely connected to others they will become isolated, unloved, and unappreciated.

What They Like in Others: Friendliness, sharing of feelings, contact, an opportunity to be of help.

What They Dislike in Others: Coldness, unavailability, lack of understanding and compassion.

Communication Style: Twos are generally upbeat and focused on bonding with and helping others. They often focus on personal issues and tend to make consistent eye contact. They are generally less comfortable when people focus completely on facts (and leave out people and or feelings).

Chief Asset: Empathy. Twos have a unique ability to understand and empathize with the needs of others. They can read emotional currents and provide just the thing that others need.

Where They Shine: When they can help others thrive. Twos prefer to play a supportive role and often see themselves as the power behind the throne—the person who helps others be successful.

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Type Three: Striving to be Outstanding

Overview: Threes work hard to exceed standards and to be successful in whatever they undertake. They are competitive and place high value on productivity and presenting an image of being a winner in whatever environment they are in. When they overdo striving to be outstanding they may become overly focused on being “center stage,” and may value image over substance. When stressed, Threes may fear that if they are not making great efforts to be excellent they will become mediocre, as if to say, “If I’m not number one, I’m a loser.”

What They Like in Others: Prestige, success, productivity, being a winner, efficiency.

What They Dislike in Others: Failure, emotions, indifference to their achievements, passivity.

Communication Style: Tend to mix goal and task focus with charm. They like conversations to focus on the positive and generally avoid focusing on roadblocks. They avoid conflict when possible, and feel that conversations (especially at work) should be casually formal.

Chief Asset: Achievement. Threes have a unique capacity for self-actualization and success in whatever endeavors they pursue.

Where They Shine: In the spotlight. Threes love to be noticed for their accomplishments and generally take opportunities to have their achievements noticed by others.

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Type Four: Striving to be Unique

Overview: Fours are creative and approach their lives in fresh and interesting ways. They gravitate toward things and experiences that are elegant, refined, or unusual. When they overdo striving to be unique they may become impractical, feel misunderstood, feel emotionally wounded, and withdraw from others and become isolated. When stressed, Fours may fear that if they do not put their own special touch on their world and their experiences their individuality will become stifled.

What They Like in Others: Refinement, sensitivity, creativity, attention, being appreciated.

What They Dislike in Others: Coarseness, conformity, superficiality, lack of appreciation for their uniqueness.

Communication Style: Fours tend to vacillate between introversion and communicating with great passion and strong opinions. They often slowly feel others out, looking for “authenticity.” They are put off by things or people that they consider to be banal, preferring to focus on issues they find important.

Chief Asset: Originality. Fours have a heightened ability to see the individuality and creativity in themselves and others. They are great creators and appreciators of beauty and originality.

Where They Shine: In creative environments. Fours love opportunities to express their originality and creativity, so they do well in situations where that can add their own flare.

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Type Five: Striving to be Detached

Overview: Fives are observant, logical and generally reserved. They prefer a healthy, emotional space between themselves and others. They focus on problem solving, innovative ideas, and data gathering. When they overdo striving to be detached they can end up being dull—out of touch with their experiences and emotions. When stressed, Fives may fear that if they do not remain detached and guarded they will become overwhelmed by the demands of people and out of control.

What They Like in Others: Intelligence, innovation, curiosity, innovation, respect of their private space.

What They Dislike Like in Others: Emotional reactions, high pressure, crowds, too many expectations from others.

Communication Style: Fives tend to be deliberate and thoughtful communicators. They are unwilling to be rushed, releasing information on their own time. They tend to avoid displays of emotion (other than excitement over ideas), preferring to focus on data and facts.

Chief Asset: Insight. Fives have the capacity to analyze their environment quickly and synthesize their observations into the big picture. They see things that others don’t.

Where They Shine: At figuring things out. Fives are great in an environment where they have the opportunity to analyze, research, innovate and solve complex problems.

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Type Six: Striving to be Secure

Overview: Sixes find security in being part of something bigger than themselves, such as a group or tradition. They are careful, responsible and protective of the welfare of the group. They focus on maintaining consistency, tradition and cohesion. When they overdo striving to be secure they may fail to take the risks necessary for high performance and settle for mediocrity. When stressed, Sixes may be filled with anxiety and fear that if they relax their guard they will be vulnerable to possible dangers.

What They Like in Others: Dependability, support/protectiveness, truthfulness, hard work, and stability.

What They Dislike in Others: Ambiguity, undependability, risk-taking, deviance (from norms of group).

Communication Style: Sixes tend to be passionate and reactive. They hold strong opinions, but often seem to be questioning themselves or weighing options. They often seem to focus on the negative and complain; this is their way of finding out where others stand on issues.

Chief Asset: Support. Sixes are steadfast, responsible and dependable. They are determined to perform their duty, to do what is best for the group, and provide for the needs of others.

Where They Shine: Anticipating problems. Sixes are great in situations where they have the opportunity to play Devil’s Advocate and prepare the team for potential difficulties.

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Type Seven: Striving to be Excited

Overview: Sevens are upbeat, enthusiastic, optimistic and curious. They focus on possibilities and options and keeping others entertained. When they overdo striving to be excited they may fail to follow-through, become easily distracted and irresponsible. When stressed, Sevens may fear that if they don’t stay stimulated they will miss out on something and end up feeling bored, anxious, and/or unhappy.

What They Like in Others: Optimism, lightheartedness, spontaneity, options, focus on fun.

What They Dislike in Others: Pessimism, stuffiness, bossiness, rigidity.

Communication Style: Sevens are generally upbeat, and optimistic when they talk to others. They tend to prefer talking to listening, loving to tell stories and entertain others. They can become impatient with people who speak slowly, and they minimize bad news and conflict.

Chief Asset: Enthusiasm. Sevens are great in situations where they have the opportunity to create enthusiasm and energy around a concept, product, cause, etc.

Where They Shine: At energizing people. Sevens are great in situations where they have the opportunity to galvanize enthusiasm and energy around an innovation, concept, product, cause, etc.

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Type Eight: Striving to be Powerful

Overview: Eights are action-oriented self-starters who prefer to be in charge. They focus on getting things done and overcoming obstacles that may lie in their way. When they overdo striving to be powerful they may not adhere to the rules or norms that others expect them to follow and their behavior can become overly aggressive. When stressed, Eights may fear that if they become too connected to others or experience their own emotions too deeply they will become dependent, vulnerable, and that people will take advantage of them.

What They Like in Others: Confidence, decisiveness, lack of pretense, straightforwardness.

What They Dislike in Others: Timidity, indecision, weakness, bullying, rigidity.

Communication Style: Eights tend to be initially quiet, but forceful, passionate, and opinionated when engaged. They expect others to have strong opinions and to be willing to stand up to defend those opinions. They are often impatient and fail to hear others out, tending to form opinions quickly in a desire to move on to the next challenge.

Chief Asset: Passion. Eights are robust and energetic. They bring great passion and determination to whatever they undertake.

Where They Shine: When the going gets tough. Eights bring self-confidence and energy to their work, and they thrive in the heat of battle. They love a challenge to overcome.

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Type Nine: Striving to be Peaceful

Overview: Nines are calm, pleasant, and charming. They focus on maintaining a sense of inner harmony by minimizing their own needs and concentrating on the needs of others. When they overdo striving to be peaceful they may overlook threats to their security or success and become vulnerable. When stressed, Nines may fear that if they place too much importance on themselves they will be seen as attention-seeking. They avoid being “center-stagers.”

What They Like in Others: Positivity, humility, consistency, light-heartedness.

What They Dislike in Others: Confrontation, arrogance, extreme competitiveness, turbulence.

Communication Style: Nines generally seek to avoid offending others or causing conflict. They are generally slow to state their opinions, often holding back initially and weighing all options before commenting. They tend to be self-deprecating and are put off by what they see as arrogance, boasting, name dropping, and showing off.

Chief Asset: Groundedness. Nines have a capacity to remain immovable, solid, and unfazed by the changes of life. They can make people feel safe and have a calming, anxiety-reducing effect on others. 

Where They Shine: Helping people feel good about themselves. Nines are great at making people feel included and part of a team. Their calm rubs off on others and helps them relax

© 2009, Sunny Soleil. All rights reserved but relaxed Pierre Soleil We like to pass on the word so YOU are welcome to use this document in accordance with the Creative Commons license. That is, you can tweet, facebook, repost, excerpt and even adapt it so long as you don’t pretend it’s yours for commercial purposes